Can i not drive my cunt home
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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