the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
