its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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