smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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