Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
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I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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