ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
