Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
