I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My ass is underappreciated
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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