Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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