I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize