My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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