Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
farters have to be the big spoon...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
