i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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