I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
