It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
dude. I can hear the air.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
