So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
