I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
