Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
