I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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