Is it normal to miss your booty call?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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