I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
