FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
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This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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