This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!