I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
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What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
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Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here