So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
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WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?