Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
