you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
