He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
