Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
