Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize