my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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