I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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