I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
