kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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