So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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