it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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