This house was built for laser tag.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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