I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
