all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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