I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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