i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
