The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
