Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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