does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
