In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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