I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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