I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
