fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
