just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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