You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
