so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
