All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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