I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
