I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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