Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
