Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Green mimosas i think yes
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
