My hand turned me down
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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