using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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