I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
