Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
