Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
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Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
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I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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