So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so that wasnt chicken after all
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
