I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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